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the cock and the bull #1

October 2, 2008

PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE: GEORGE W. BUSH

Forty years after George Bush was head of the cheerleading squad at Phillips Andover, and almost seven years after jumpstarting the rhapsodic “Apocalypse of the theologian” as described in the Book of Revelations, George Bush is coasting across the finish line of his second term with a grin on his face.

Below the fold, the forty-third President of the United States of America, with the wax imprint of his mark on history still undefined, talks about Skull and Bones, Steve Perry, and the SAT’s failure to measure multiple intelligences.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
I like when people read to me. Really. Christine Todd- Whitman used to read me chapters from David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest. It is the future, and the fricking calendar is sold to corporations! Year of the Depend Adult Undergarment! Can you imagine that? Cracks me up every time.

What is your greatest fear?
Fear itself. (laughs) That was a joke, lighten up. Public Speaking. I share that with the plurality of peoples.

Which historical figure do you most identify
with?

Martha Graham. She was an innovatress of the highest order. Completely reinvented choreography. She knew no rules, and was true to herself.

Which living person do you most admire?
LeBron James. Who needs college?

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
They asked me this on my first job interview. I thought it was a trick question then, and think it is one now. My answer: I’m not telling!

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Ordering off the menu. I mean, the chef went to school, designed you a meal with care, and you are going start in with nonsense about an allergy to shallots? Fuck you.

What is your greatest extravagance?
The Iraq War costs over $340 Million a day. Are all the questions on this test so easy? I think I have
gotten all of these right.

What is your favorite journey?
“Don’t Stop Believing.” Hands down.  Time was, I took plenty of midnight trains going just anywhere, if you know what I mean.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
I’ve always said that the SAT only tests one kind of intelligence, you know?

On what occasion do you lie?
Laura asks me from time to time, “Does my ass look good in these jeans?” When your wife asks you that
question, a true gentleman has only one answer.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
You know, I actually look good in a flight suit. The Photoshop work done by our media department made me look like a character on Knots Landing.

Which living person do you most despise?
Is Norman Mailer still alive? No? Okay then: Tina Fey.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
When history gets written, people will come to appreciate my expert use of the ellipses.

What is your greatest regret?
Most men admit this to themselves much earlier in life, but I just mad peace with the idea that I will never be an Olympian. Archery was my sport.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Christine Todd Whitman.

What is your current state of mind?
Sanguitious.

If you could change one thing about your family, what
would it be?

Disclosure of this information would interfere with the operation of the executive branch.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Christine Todd Whitman.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would
it be?

Fidel Castro.

What is your most treasured possession?
Executive Privilege. I’m invoking it, not indicating that I hold that as my most treasured possession.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Do you know how people live in the 9th Ward? Again, when history gets written, people will understand the mercy mission I was on. We should have let New Orleans go. Just let the fucker sunk.

Where would you like to live?
In the most exclusive gated community of all: a small little cul de sac at the right hand of the Father.

What is your favorite occupation?
I’m on this sub- committee in Skull and Bones called “The World Map in 2150: Fewer Countries, Fewer
Boundaries, Fewer Leaders.” The guys on that committee are a hoot!

What is your most marked characteristic?
Resoluthfulnision.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Hitting the high notes and still getting the girl. I’m thinking of Steven Perry.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
I’m an ass man.

What do you most value in your friends?
People with a clear sense of clear raison detrius.

Who are your favorite writers?
Norman Mailer and Tina Fey.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Rocky Balboa.

Who are your heroes in real life?
Sylvester Stallone. Dr. Stranglove. Tanya Harding.

What are your favorite names?
If I have a grandson, I’d like to see him named Yorick.

What is it that you most dislike?
Fine fucken print.

How would you like to die?
Et tu, Proust questionnaire? Et tu?

What is your motto?
Sing it with me now: “Any way you want it / That’s the way you need it/ Anyway you want it”

written by Dennis Trainor, Jr
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