The scratch/10.6.08: P for P

October 6, 2008

Porno for Progressive Christians. OR a long winded video on which The Hermit tries to clarify goals, pick a fight with an b list celebrity Atheist and other self righteous “progressives” while breaking the unspoken rule of comedy against pointing to a joke after making one with a shamefully long David Foster Wallace esque title.


by Dennis Trainor, Jr 

Thanks for all of the birthday well wishes. Yesterday was indeed my birthday and I hadn’t had so many people write on my wall since I was a teenager in 1988 and my parents were away for the weekend and I threw a party that was attended by members of a local gang (and I use that word in quotes because I grew up in a middle class area of long island) the Strong Island Boys or SIB for short and they spray painted all over my fence. But we didn’t have facebook back then kiddies, we just had the Martha Quinn and the MTV.

 Fast forward 20 years and I had more posts than cattle ranch on my facebook page wishing me happy birthday. I had almost forgotten that I even have a facebook page; I use it so infrequently now that I am a member of the operation itch social network (JOIN TODAY!)- Which brings me, in a very longwinded way to the topic of today’s long video- Porno for Progressive Christians.

 A member of the Operation Itch Social Network, Joel, took umbrage with a video I made last week called “Porno for Politicians”.

 I feel the same way about the term “progressive Christians” as I do about the term “bi sexual”. I just don’t believe they exist.

 Joel. I do not know you. I mean you no ham. Physical Physic or otherwise. If you were here now I would buy you a beer. Or a wheat grass juice, depending on your bent, and we could have a nice long conversation about this. So I don’t want to beat up on you Joel. In the playground of YouTube, that would be unfair, seeing as how I am a regular d list Internet celebrity and all. The Amazing Atheist runs around making video responses to people on YouTube who have not the subscriber base to fight back- and I think the Amazing Atheist is one of the biggest pricks on YT for this very reason.  Were he here right now, Joel I would not buy him a beer or a wheatgrass juice, I would, for the duration that I could force that slob to stand still, urinate on his shoe. As proof that I am engaging in this debate with fairness in mind, I invite you to make a video response and I will feature it in the autoplay of my YouTube channel.

 So you see, I am not part of some larger Atheist tribe. I’d buy you, a self-identifying Christian, a beer and hope to enjoy a lively conversation. Yet if a b list Internet celebrity atheist were here, I would attempt to dump my bodily waste on their converse.

 So my intention is not to attack you personally. I wish to attack what you believe. We are not what we believe, Joel.  If that were they case you would be a grown man who believes that a fat man flies around on Christmas eve pulled by flying reindeer and drops presents under a the tree of every good little girl and boy. Our belief systems evolve, Joel. Pardon the pun.

 Can one think that Jesus Christ is the son of man and be “progressive”? I would argue no. The terms progressive Christian, then, are mutually exclusive of each other, wouldn’t you agree?


 I will grant you this: There is a statistical chance that the creator of the universe impregnated a virgin who had a child that grew up, grew a beard, walked on water, healed the blind, and was nailed to a cross- and will one day return to judge the living and the dead. And that this man, this Jesus, while he was among the living recruited some followers to repeat all of the all of the things he did to future generations in an oral history of sorts so that hundreds of years after this oral history was past down generation after generation, that hundreds of years after this Christ was nailed to the cross and walked out of the grave 3 days later to go hunting for Easter eggs in St. Peters garden- that hundreds of years after these things happened someone wrote them down in what we so reverentially refer to as THE BIBLE.

 Statistically, this is possible. I cannot deny you that mathematical fact.

 And I do try as much as I can to do unto others as I would have done to myself. And yes, that golden rule can be found in the bible. But if we had found a gem in a pile of toxic shit, it would not redeem the pile of shit, now would it?

 Speaking of shit, Joel took issue to my statement in the porno for politics video, when I said You said, “The rest of the country is cross-referencing the daily news headlines with the book of Revelations vacationing and vacationing at the creation museum…” then you said these people “…take in a lecture on how the book of Genesis is relevant to today’s world or have your children perform the socially accepted form of cannibalism known as the Eucharist.”


 And that “(MY) candor in this particular segment has a negative connotation in it for all Christians.

 The “people” I was referring to were clearly people who if ones who paid admission to the Creation Museum. If ONE has paid admission to the creation museum they will get nothing but SCORN from me- for I fell they deserve to be SHAMED. I truly believe that their FAITH is hastening the end of the world. Christians would be harmless, like Hare-Christnas or vegetarians or adults who still play Dungeons and Dragons if we did not keep electing them to an office that come with codes to launch nuclear weapons.

 I also said in that video something along the lines that if you were a liberal ” You are now or will one day be married to your former step daughter you Godless pervert” I don’t really think that all liberals will one day turn into Woody fucking Allen.

 This was an attempt at self-deprecating humor. An attempt to use a broad stereotype of an urban liberal- and for people my age woody Allen comes to mind- to broadside my own people- intellectual liberals.

 A basic rule of comedy is that pointing to a joke after one is made usually defeats the nature of the joke- a rule that the very nature of this video is trying to break. But I fear I am failing poorly, as I suspect more people watching this are angry than are laughing.

 And laughter is usually my aim. As laughter is the key to both the intellect and the heart. And if I can stir your intellect or unlock you heart, or both, as occasion may have it you are more likely to give me money or buy one of my t-shirts. Using the conveniently placed donate buttons placed all over my website.

 And that Joel is what I am here to do.

 I am not here to lead any progressive movement, as there is no such thing. Yes- hello- did you here me? Proggesives? 5 years after the illegal war begins and the best you got for me is to tell me to vote for Barack Obama or shut up?

 I am here to entertain.

 If Christians are offended by what I say I say Hallelujah.

 If progressives are offended by what I say Hands to fucking Jesus.





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