December 11, 2008

aemiliasAemilia ScottOperation Itch Contributor

Hey New York: Suck it! SUCK IT! You feel that? That’s the feeling of Chicago coming up behind you and stealing your city’s thunder. Chicago is the Second City no longer. We are now the First City of endemic, bald faced, corruption. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has pushed us to number one! NUMBER ONE! Every other urban center in America can suck Chicago’s Rod.

I can clearly remember the pathetic grandstanding you New Yorkers did this year over Elliot Spitzer. “Oh, look at me, I’m from New York, My governor resigned because he spent 4000 bucks boinking a chick from New Jersey.” You know what? I could spend 4000 bucks boinking a chick from New Jersey if I really wanted to. And I’m not even running for Senate yet.

Your gubernatorial scandals fucking suck, New York. Blagojevich went to jail, and his predecessor Governor George Ryan is also in jail. That’s two consecutive governors in jail at once. And when Blago is booked, that’ll be five out of our last nine governors all doing jail time. EAT IT, New York State. Governor Patterson done anything dirty lately? I fucking doubt it.

I’m surprised you can even call yourself corrupt anymore, considering Spitzer resigned almost immediately after we all found out about his NJ Sexcapades. He resigned? Because of an NJBJ? Blagojevich did a perp walk through downtown after we all found out that he was ready to take money away from a children’s hospital, and he was taking bids for a Senate seat, and if no one else stepped up with enough cash he was planning on taking the seat himself. Did he resign that day? Of course the fuck not. Blagojevich posted bail, went home, did his wife and had a good night’s sleep, that’s what. If Blagojevich ever resigns, you can guarantee he’ll be receiving oral sex under the podium as he delivers the announcement, just to stick it to Spitzer. Because that’s how we do.

Do you want to go city for city, New York? You think Giuliani was an ice-cold motherfucking badass? I’ve got six words for you: The Honorable Richard M. Daley, Mayor. “Ooh, I’m a New Yorker. Giuliani always made quality of life arrests, and he kicked all those poor bums out of Times Square. See you at Balthazar for Bellinis.” You’d better drink that Bellini to kill the pain of being schooled by Chicago and its rock fucking solid political machine.

Ever heard of Interstate 94? Well, mayor Daley built that. Richard J. Daley. Know why? Papa Daley built I-94 to keep Black people on the south side of Chicago. Yeah, New York, finish the Sunday Times Puzzle and STEP OFF, because Chicago needs your table at Bernadin. Yeah, we got your reservation. Because our Mayor threatened to pull your liquor license and turn Bernadin into an Applebees. That’s how we do.

Richard M. Daley didn’t mess around with any “Times Square Beautification” or “Quality of Life Arrests” bullshit that could possibly be misconstrued as having a positive impact on the population of New York City as a whole. Leave that to Koch and Giuliani and Bloomberg. Oh hey, do all your past mayors have different last names? How fucking adorable.

Former Governor George “16627-424” Ryan could give you a truck driver’s license if you pay him enough money. If your truck’s load falls off because you’re an illegal immigrant who can’t drive and that load kills a van full of children, you know what Mayor Daley says? “What, you got some dead relatives? My dad built that goddamn expressway, so I expect a Christmas card this year thanking me for letting your dead relatives use it. Checks payable to Richard M. Daley, Ice-Cold Mayor.”

New York mayors are an insult to the word “corrupt.” Daley doesn’t even mess around with pretending to help the city. Need another example, you Met-Sponsoring Sohosexuals? Chicago used to have an airfield called Meigs Field. Last year, in the middle of the night he had a construction crew bulldoze two huge Xs in the runway so no more planes could land. Why? Because he doesn’t like plane noise near his house. Why didn’t he get permission? Because his name is on the manhole covers, you mincing, Atlantic pantywaists. And the best part is, the construction company bulldozed that shit at midnight for free, because they’re all his extended family who he hired in the first place! Mayor Daley, you and Still-Governor Blajojevich are putting this state back on the map.

Blagojevich is the logical intersection of genius and badass. He’s a gebadniuasss. Oh, I’m sorry, is that not a word? Does that offend your need for logic and reason? Does it inspire some sort of East Coast homosexual impulse to tell William Saffire on me? Well, when Blagojevich tells Cubs and Tribune Owner Sam Zell to put “Gebadniuasss!” in 100 point font on the front page of the Chicago Tribune, they’ll fucking do it for him. Because if they don’t, the Trib goes bankrupt and a whole bunch of kids die of cancer. And that’s how he do.

So Suck it, New York. Suck it hard. Until you get yourself a REAL clusterfuck of corruption to report, you’ll always be sitting in the backseat. Don’t cry, NY, it’s comfortable back there. Blagojevich bought the car as a business expense and uses that back seat for all the hookers we haven’t found yet. And when we find them, he won’t lose any sleep. Because that’s how we do.

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