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Joe the War Correspondent Won’t Be Going it Alone

January 12, 2009

Patrick Sauer •  see all posts in HUMOR 

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You put that shit on bread, right?

"Hamas": You put that shit on bread, right?

In the proud tradition of carriage mechanic William Howard Russell, gas lamp repairman Stephen Crane, and pipe-fitter David Halberstam, Pajamas Media* is sending unlicensed plumber Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher to Gaza as a war correspondent. As the Pajama party notes, Joe the Plumber “shook up America” and “he’s ready to do it again.” Mr. Wurzelbacher has promised to bring back stories from “Average Joes” (assuming said Joes are named Shlomo and Isaac, and not Mohammad or Abdul).

Naturally, the liberal media is up in arms over Joe the Plumber’s ascension to the ranks of Ernest Hemingway, but Wurzelbacher doesn’t care. How much different could being in shit differ from being in the shit?

Besides, Joe’s got a secret journalism savior that even Edward R. Murrow himself couldn’t top. As the-Plumber-turned-the-Reporter told his fellow scoops, “Being a Christian, I’m pretty well protected by God, I believe.”

Take that, 5,000-year history of the Middle East!

  Once again, Joe the Plumber has stuck his pipe shears right into the craw of lefty news stalwarts. In fact, the MSM yakkers like Olbermann, Maddow, Couric, Gibson, Lehrer, Shields and Brooks have their terrorist-appeasing panties in such a bunch, they’ve failed to notice the obvious reasoning behind Mr. Wurzelbacher’s new profession:

Nearly every media outlet has sent an intrepid reporter to Gaza.

If you haven’t been paying attention to the stream of journalists doing the Lord’s work on Jesus’s home turf, here are some other channels worth surfing on a frigid winter weekend for an insiders view of the war:

PBS: The world needs someone to get Mahmoud Zahar and Ehud Olmert to sit down and talk things out. Who better than Charlie Rose? He’ll be bringing his own oak table, incessant interjections, long-winded questions and expertly-mussed coif in an attempt to bore the leaders into accepting a two-state solution.

MTV: A cadre of reporters will be moving into clay abode in the Golan Heights. A rabbi, a Hamas militant, a pansexual Puerto Rican, an unemployed University of San Diego frat boy-cum-hedge fund manager, a Portuguese mute, a slutty Tulsan Mennonite, Martha Quinn and a homeless meth addict/performance artist known only as “Snot” will be downing Irish Car Bombs while hashing out a cease-fire in between threesomes. It’s only when the bombs stop raining down that people stop being polite…and start getting real.

Travel Channel: Technically, Anthony Bourdain wasn’t sent to Gaza, he went on his own because he heard that a local café was serving the remains of Palestinian children with Baladi tomatoes in an olive oil reduction with Fattoush and Taboun bread.

Comedy Central: Nothing settles conflict quite like humor, especially obvious jokes based in cheap stereotypes. Carlos Mencia is bringing Bood Liiite for everyone!

AMC: 
An astonishing 100% of soldiers on both sides agreed to lay down their arms and live wherever the man says in exchange for a photo-op with Christina Hendricks. Joan Holloway doesn’t just stop traffic; she halts RPGs as well!

Disney Channel:
 On behalf of besieged parents everywhere, the Mouse is sending both Zack and Cody to the Holy Land in the hopes that those two little bastards will learn to shut the fuck up.

ESPN: In an effort to get him to stop hanging around the Worldwide Leader commissary yelling “He could…go…all…the…way” every time a staffer pairs bacon with grilled cheese, Chris Berman has been selected to occupy the new West Bank SportsCenter desk.

Univision: Not to be done by their pale-faced counterpart, “Tito the Arquitecto” will be delivering undercover reports by day and starring in Noches Calientes de Intifada by night.

HBO: John from Cincinnati really needs the work.

ABC: If Oprah the Healer can’t fix this mess, nobody can.

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One comment

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