25 Ways to Coddle Your Man (and Earn His Appreciation)January 16, 2009
This comes from FREIDA BEE. If you are not familiar with Ms. Bee, you are missing out.
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Inspired by Lisa’s post, and the great comments which followed, she and I have created a list of our own. In the spirit of feminism, this is a list by women for women. (Of course, men, you can use this list to gauge how satisfied you should be with your woman.)
25 Ways to Coddle Your Man (and Earn his Appreciation):
1. When your man spends six hours grilling meat for dinner (that you make the sides for, set the table for, and clean up after), be sure to thank him for making dinner by rewarding him later with a blow job (with a little barbecue sauce on the side, of course).
2. Never poop, never indicate that you poop, take great pains to cover up the fact that you produce and expel solid waste, even if it means you have to leave the house to go to a public place to do your business when he is at home. (Alternately, you could break something on purpose, so he must go to Home Depot, and then you can poo while he’s away.)
3. Hide all feminine hygiene products, both used and unused. Make sure to double wrap any used products and take the further step of burying them deeply in the trash, so he won’t accidentally see them when he empties the trash.
4. There is no question that a woman must douche, preferably twice, after having her period. Nothing good will come of reminding him that you have bodily functions.
5. After having children, consider vaginal rejuvenation.
6. Make him feel like you’re new again by occasionally purchasing and using theartificial hymen. If he’s squeamish about blood, you may want to do this only in the dark. Don’t forget to make the appropriate “first time” sounds.
7. Be sure to use the “skills” other men have taught you, taking special care not to mention where you might have learned them.
8. Don’t expect him to read your mind. The onus is on you to leave clues and drop hints so that he knows what you want. By no means, state it directly. No matter how much he asks for it, don’t tell him directly.
9. Be sure to leave the toilet seat up. Why should he have to lift the seat? You’re the one who sits on it.
10. If you really want to know what your man wants sexually, snooping is required. You should check his computer’s recent history and search his porn stash. He’ll thank you later.
11. When faking orgasm, be sure to call out his name, not the name of your last boyfriend. (Using a foreign accent is a bonus!)
12. You’ll know your man is satisfied when you hear him snoring softly. Before that, there’s no way to be sure.
13. When your man goes to sleep right after sex, be sure to tell him that you are pleased by this, because it shows that you’ve done a good job.
14. When dressing for an evening out with him and his friends, it’s important to dress in a revealing way, so that his friends will envy him for getting to sleep with you. Just let him decide what is too revealing.
15. If you want to cuddle, buy yourself a stuffed animal or a dog. Cats may be nice to have around, but they like cuddling almost as much as men do.
16. Never use the following words: snuggle, cuddle, tampon, period, vagina, baby, or marriage.
17. Never criticize his mother. She was his first love, after all. And never question her judgment.
18. When your husband has his buddies over to watch sports, dress nicely to make him proud. He will reward you in his own way, for such an obvious show of affection.
19. Please ladies, when your man is “in the mood” avoid mundane topics, like bills, children, work, or your emotional needs, for instance. After he wakes up, he will be far more receptive to (and perceptive of) your indicative clues.
20. “Not being in the mood” is no excuse. Period.
21. Men love massages after a hard day at work. Enough said.
22. Listening to your girlfriends will get you in trouble. They want more of your time too, and they are no doubt jealous that you’ve landed a man. Besides his mother, there is no woman whose advice you can trust when it comes to your man.
23. Let him pick the restaurant. You get to select what he eats every other evening, since you go to the grocery store and make dinner. You need to avoid being overbearing, at all costs, and this is a great way to show your flexibility. (Letting him choose your entrè as well may be the perfect recipe for getting yourself a mouth-watering dessert!)
24. If you’re not attached, this list may be painful to read, as you’ve no doubt got a lot of love to give. Try spending a game day at a sports bar to land yourself a great catch!
25. Lastly, and not leastly, when you’ve got a man who will put up with you, NEVER LET HIM GO!