Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

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Joe the War Correspondent Won’t Be Going it Alone

January 12, 2009

Patrick Sauer •  see all posts in HUMOR 

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You put that shit on bread, right?

"Hamas": You put that shit on bread, right?

In the proud tradition of carriage mechanic William Howard Russell, gas lamp repairman Stephen Crane, and pipe-fitter David Halberstam, Pajamas Media* is sending unlicensed plumber Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher to Gaza as a war correspondent. As the Pajama party notes, Joe the Plumber “shook up America” and “he’s ready to do it again.” Mr. Wurzelbacher has promised to bring back stories from “Average Joes” (assuming said Joes are named Shlomo and Isaac, and not Mohammad or Abdul).

Naturally, the liberal media is up in arms over Joe the Plumber’s ascension to the ranks of Ernest Hemingway, but Wurzelbacher doesn’t care. How much different could being in shit differ from being in the shit?

Besides, Joe’s got a secret journalism savior that even Edward R. Murrow himself couldn’t top. As the-Plumber-turned-the-Reporter told his fellow scoops, “Being a Christian, I’m pretty well protected by God, I believe.”

Take that, 5,000-year history of the Middle East!
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Man Who Crossed US In Balloon Only Talks About Horse Abuse

January 12, 2009

from THE ONION • see all posts in HUMOR     header
Today Now! welcomes adventurer and balloonist Trent Montague, who is determined to steer the conversation to the horrors of horse abuse.

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Israel? Wrap it up, sweetie, we’re starting to get queasy

January 9, 2009

from 23/6 • see all posts in HUMOR header   

The situation in Gaza became more grim yesterday as the Red Cross discovered starving Palestinian children clinging to their dead mothers’ bodies. The Red Cross complained that it had tried to get Israel to allow access to the area on Sunday, but wasn’t allowed in until Wednesday. A rep for the humanitarian group said, “The Israeli military must have been aware of the situation but did not assist the wounded. Neither did they make it possible for us or the Palestine Red Crescent to assist the wounded.”

Salon’s Glenn Greenwald wonders why both of America’s political parties are so strongly in Israel’s corner. Senators Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell drafted a non-binding resolution expressed their full support for Israel. The resolution is seen as “a bid to keep [Republicans] from ‘out-hawking‘ the Democrats on the issue.”

Last night, we polled 700,000 Americans and asked them, “what would it take for Israel to lose your support?” Here’s the results:
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New Year’s resolution – Citizen Justice #3

January 9, 2009

citizenjusticeCitizen Justice Operation Itch Video header
see all Citizen Justice     see all posts in HUMOR

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Bush Apologizes: The Farewell Interview We Wish He’d Give

January 9, 2009

Matt Taibbi • Rolling Stone  header
see all posts in HUMOR  
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Despite a financial crisis for the ages, the catastrophic collapse of a Republican Party crippled by his political legacy, and the highest presidential disapproval rating in the history of American polling, outgoing commander in chief George W. Bush has not completely lost his sense of fun. When Rolling Stone caught up with him at the White House shortly after the holidays for what would turn out to be his final extended sit-down interview as president, the graying but still quite fit Texan had just finished his morning exercycle session in an eagle-emblazoned sweatsuit and was fiddling with a new toy.

“They call it a Wii, or a Mee, or something,” Bush tells me, smiling as he waves a wandlike plastic device in front of a 54-inch plasma TV in the Treaty Room, a large, brightly lit chamber on the second floor of the Executive Residence that traditionally functions as the president’s private study. The president is playing a friendly game of Major League Baseball — the Boston Red Sox against his cherished Texas Rangers — and a computer-rendered Daisuke Matsuzaka drills a hard slider right past him, down and in.

“Huh,” says the president. “Might have to choke up a little.”

Although now used as a game room, the Treaty Room still has a classic feel, with a century-old painting by Theobald Chartran depicting the signing of the peace treaty after the Spanish-American War, and a magnificent mahogany “treaty table” first used by Ulysses S. Grant. A bookshelf on the north wall displays standard-issue Americana such as Poor Richard’s Almanack, but it also contains former swimsuit model Kathy Ireland’s Powerful Inspirations: Eight Lessons That Will Change Your Life (“There’s a lot of good life stuff in there, a lot of stuff about patience,” the president says) and a well-worn copy of 101 Dumb Dog Deaths (“Makes me laugh every time, especially the one about cow-tipping”).

Matsuzaka delivers again, but the president looks fastball when the pitch is a change. “Damn it!” he shouts, bouncing the Wii wand off an antique globe in the corner. “Goddamn motherfucking shit!” After collecting himself, he takes a seat at his desk and leans back in his grand leather easy chair, stirring the ice cubes in a glass of Diet Coke with a finger.

So are we meeting up here because Michelle Obama is measuring the Oval Office windows for drapes?
[
Laughs] No. I just like it up here. Plus, people tend to get nervous in the Oval Office. Figured I’d make it a little easier on you by doing this here.

While I was waiting, one of your staffers told me a crazy story about a certain member of your Cabinet breaking wind in the Oval Office. Can you confirm that story?
Well, like I said, people get nervous down there. It’s — [
laughs] — I can’t believe someone told you about that.

But you’re leaving office in a couple of weeks. Come on. Throw us a bone. Just think, you finally get to talk about all of these things.
Look, I can’t. Besides, it wasn’t that big of a — OK, fine. It was Condi.
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On January 20, everything will be illegal

January 9, 2009

from 23/6   see all posts in HUMOR  

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Planning to go to Washington for the inauguration parade? Might as well just handcuff yourself and put yourself in jail, because security measures for the event are going to be the tightest ever for an inauguration. Among the prohibited items on the parade route: chairs, coolers, backpacks, umbrellas, strollers and aerosol cans (which means no Silly String or hairspray). Restrictions are being placed on posters, and the police presence will be in the thousands.

Still want to check it out? We’ve put together a map showing the parade route, along with some of the security checkpoints and hotspots. Memorize it, and leave the umbrellas at home.


KEY:

1. No pepper spray. Also, no pepper. Also, no Dr. Pepper. Also, no doctors allowed. We don’t need some fancy M.D. giving out unwanted diagnoses that might panic a crowd.

2. Satellite-jamming tower will block parade viewers from sending cell phone pictures of the event to their friends.

3. Because bicycles are prohibited from the parade route, a police cordon will be established around Chinatown to prevent restaurants from dispatching any delivery guys.

4. Pennsylvania residents will be barred from the parade route for fear that unbridled state pride regarding the name of the avenue will cause Pennsylvanians to riot.

5. Undercover Navy Seals dressed as civilians will infiltrate the crowd and subdue anyone who appears “fidgety.” Obviously, that is because they are nervous about their assassination attempt, and not because it’s 10 degrees out and there are no bathrooms.

6. Snipers perched on Superior Court building ordered to shoot and kill anyone holding a can of Silly String. WHO’S SILLY NOW, BUCKO?

7. All observers will be issued canaries as an early warning system in the event of toxic gas in the area.

8. Inauguration ceremony itself will occur in windowless, reinforced-steel room, without video cameras or other recording devices. President-elect will take oath from inside sealed, sterilized chamber surrounded by rottweilers.

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Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

January 7, 2009

From The Onion    see all posts in HUMOR     header
The MacBook Wheel lets consumers accomplish everyday tasks like typing with just a few dozen spins and clicks of a wheel.