Che, Part Two-Reviewed

by Kevin Egan • Operation Itch Contributing Writer    

 more  in HUMOR   read all posts by Kevin Egan
 

 

 

 

 

 

B

At the end of Che, Part One, viewers were left with quite a cliffhanger. After Castro (Demian Bichir) fell to his death in a field of vines and every enemy of Ernesto “Che” Guevara (Benecio Del Toro) had been eliminated through violent means, our protagonist had been dubbed heir to the thrown, while simultaneously shutting out his wife from his affairs. It was an unsettling moment as the door was closed so forcefully in her face. Still, we loved the Guevaras and desperately desired to see more of them. With Che, Part Two, director Steven Sodenbergh pulls no punches, giving us viewers the family epic we had been waiting for. Saturated with plot twists, celebrity cameos (Adam Sandler as Batista) and endings upon endings upon endings, this sequel supercedes the possibilities already established by other films, taking us into unexplored territories.

enecio Del Toro as Ernesto "Che" Guevara in the comedic romp, Che, Part Two.

Part Two begins exactly where Part One left off, except this time around, Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) returns to the present time to warn Che about his troubling children and the havoc they are wreaking in the future. This catapults Che on another wacky adventure, outsmarting his old nemesis, Biff (Thomas F.Wilson), and rescuing his family from danger. Then, once Che believes he is clear of all hijinks, an apparition of his mentor, Ben (performed elegantly by the late Alec Guinness) appears, instructing him to go to the Degoba system, to study with an old Jedi master named “Yoda.” While Che follows this path outlined for him by his old friend, his children find themselves in trouble once more, except this time it comes in the form of a shark. Luckily for them, a desperate-for-any-kind-of-work Michael Caine (as himself) shows up to help them in their struggle.

Just like in Part One, Del Toro is again magnificent in the triple roles of Guevara, his wife and his ornery grandfather. And although the “fat suit” he wears through the second half of the film will most likely earn the make-up team an Oscar nomination, it is what Del Toro does with the suit that one finds most appealing. His ability to conjure up deep and funny voices for all three of the characters, as well as contort his face to provide the most comic expressions, is a skill unrivalled in the cinema today. Robert DeNiro himself could do no better.

Without giving too much away in regards to the ending, Che, Part Twoborrows from the classic comedy, Clue, offering multiple endings, each shown separately, depending on which theatre you attend. If you’re like me, you’ll see it more than once, hitting every theatre in town, for no other reason than to ensure you catch all the unbelievable ways in which Che’s fate hangs in the balance. This one’s a keeper!

4 out of 5 stars.  Bring the kids!!!

 

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Lefties Feel the Recession More than Most

by Kevin Egan • Operation Itch Contributing Writer    

 more  in HUMOR   read all posts by Kevin Egan
 

 

Pitcher, “Lefty” Gomez in 1908.

 

 

 

 

Ben Franklin: America’s most famous “Lefty.”

 

SAN DIEGO (AP)- After conducting a nationwide survey of numerous factions of Americans, The Center for Demographic Research released startling results today, concluding that left-handed people have been hit hardest by the current recession, more than any other category of Americans. 

“It seems that many left-handed people have been the first to be laid off at work,” said Nancy Frightenwood, spokesperson for The Center.  “In the blue collar world, most machines are built for right-handed people, which leaves the lefties at a disadvantage. And in the white collar world, it seems that simple things like office supplies can cause trouble for Lefties, slowing down their productivity and contribution to the company as a whole.” 

Many left-handed Americans, or “Lefties,” are grateful for the survey and the attention it has brought to their plight.  Massive demonstrations are currently being planned in multiple cities across the country, protesting the prejudice that has singled out lefties in these hard economic times.  In addition, Thursday, Jaunary 29th, is being dubbed, “National Left-handed Awareness Day,” to help shed some light on this troubling trend.         

Samuel Bluck, 53, of Indianapolis, Indiana, one of many left-handed people currently left unemployed by the recession, had recently been let go from his job at the Eddington Scissor Factory, causing “a double wham-y,” as Bluck described his situation, since not only had the machinery that built the scissors been designed for right-handed use, the scissors themselves were made exclusively for right-handed people as well.    

“There were times I found it almost impossible to test the scissors to see if they functioned correctly,” Bluck says.  “I knew when lay-offs were announced, I’d be the first to go.  I could see it in my foreman’s eye.”   

Gretta Dench, 41, of San Diego, California, also felt the pinch of the recession when she was relieved of her job with the banking firm of Addison and Flight, a job she had held for over twelve years.

Excerpts from My Obama/Lost Fan Fiction

Meg Favreau/ 23/6     see more posts in Humor 

 

EXT – THE ISLAND – DAY

BARACK OBAMA, HURLEY, and CLAIRE are running through the jungle. All are sweating, out of breath, and wide-eyed. Obama leads the group, determined.

OBAMA: Come on!

The group crashes through the trees and brush, frantic. Finally, we see what is chasing them: the smoke monster.

HURLEY: What is it? What is it?

Obama stops and turns to look at the monster. Close up on his face.

OBAMA: It’s the economy.

CUT TO title: LOST

***

EXT – THE BEACH – NIGHT

All survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 are standing on the beach, talking and surrounding Barack Obama, who is lit dramatically by torch light.

SAWYER: You need to get us off this stinkin’ island, Obama!

SAYID: Does anybody even remember that the Others stole all our children?

LOCKE: This island has powers! I have a knife!

OBAMA: Look…my fellow survivors. I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed on me. That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every survivor, that we have duties, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

ROSE: Are you telling us that we need to build another boat?

OBAMA: Yes. And don’t let it catch fire this time.

***

INT – THE HATCH – DAY

An alarm is going off. BARACK OBAMA sits in front of a computer, typing.

OBAMA: John, I need to know what the numbers are!

CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS: 4, 8, 23…

OBAMA: 4, 8, 23…

CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS: Er, 4, 8 ,15, 16, 23…

OBAMA: 4, 8, 23, 15, 16…

The hatch explodes. Title: LOST.

End episode.

Bratz Dolls May Give Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size

From THE ONION   see more posts in Humor   

Tipper Gore to be Inducted into Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame

by Kevin Egan • Operation Itch Contributing Writer    

 see more posts in Humor  more  in Arts & Culture      read all posts by Kevin Egan

 

CLEVELAND (AP)-In what might be the most controversial news in the world of rock ‘n’ roll since the passing of Elvis Presley, it was announced today that Tipper Gore, wife of former Vice President, Al Gore, is to be inducted in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame, causing both praise and outrage from rock ‘n’ roll fanatics throughout the world.

Gore, 60, besides being known as the wife of the former vice president, had also made a name for herself back in the Eighties by leading a group composed mostly of Washington wives called, The Parent’s Music Resource Center (or The P.M.R.C., as it was more infamously known).  The P.M.R.C.’s main task was to force the music industry to label  each record it released, in the same manner films were rated by the MPAA, particularly those that included “explicit lyrics.”

In response to many of the rock videos Gore had watched as part of her research with the P.M.R.C., she had once publicly cried, “The images frightened my children!  They frightened me!  I am frightened!  Way frightened!  The graphic sex and the violence were too much for us to handle.”         

Eventually, a Senate-hearing on the “dangers” of rock music was held and artists including Frank Zappa, Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider and legendary folk artist, John Denver, came to the defense of the first amendment rights of the artists in question.  It was later decided that each record company would “voluntarily” label albums if they felt they might cause a disturbance in certain communities.  Still, once the smoke had cleared, Tipper Gore had become a full-blown enemy of the rock world.   

Ironically, years later, after her husband and Bill Clinton had won the 1992 presidential election, The Gore’s made an appearance on MTV, the very channel they had once accused of perpetrating “pornography,” thanking all the young people that had supported them in their campaign.  Those that remembered the Tipper Gore of the 1980’s were shocked and somewhat perplexed by the appearance.

Bush Calls for One Last War in Final Hours

by Kevin Egan • Operation Itch Contributing Writer    

  see more posts in Humor     read all posts by Kevin Egan

 

Washington (AP)- In his final couple of hours in office, George W. Bush declared war against the state of Hawaii, claiming that its native inhabitants may possibly be connected to terrorist organizations in the Middle East. 

In a last-minute joint-session, Congress quickly acted, approving the war,  stating the evidence that Bush has promised to provide as early as next week, was strong enough to support his decision to go to war. Though 44^th President Barack Obama has already publicly denounced the war, he has gone on the record, stating, “Withdrawing troops from the state of Hawaii will be a long, painful process.  I wish I could do it in a day but that is asking the impossible.”  He then went on to set 2010 as the starting point for the withdrawal. 

When asked whether or not attacking one of our own states seemed reactionary and senseless, all parties involved refused to comment.   

25 Ways to Coddle Your Man (and Earn His Appreciation)

This comes from FREIDA BEE. If you are not familiar with Ms. Bee, you are missing out.

see  more posts in Sex & Relationships     see more posts in Humor
 
Inspired by Lisa’s post, and the great comments which followed, she and I have created a list of our own. In the spirit of feminism, this is a list by women for women. (Of course, men, you can use this list to gauge how satisfied you should be with your woman.)

25 Ways to Coddle Your Man (and Earn his Appreciation):

 

1. When your man spends six hours grilling meat for dinner (that you make the sides for, set the table for, and clean up after), be sure to thank him for making dinner by rewarding him later with a blow job (with a little barbecue sauce on the side, of course).

2. Never poop, never indicate that you poop, take great pains to cover up the fact that you produce and expel solid waste, even if it means you have to leave the house to go to a public place to do your business when he is at home. (Alternately, you could break something on purpose, so he must go to Home Depot, and then you can poo while he’s away.)

3. Hide all feminine hygiene products, both used and unused. Make sure to double wrap any used products and take the further step of burying them deeply in the trash, so he won’t accidentally see them when he empties the trash.

4. There is no question that a woman must douche, preferably twice, after having her period. Nothing good will come of reminding him that you have bodily functions.

5. After having children, consider vaginal rejuvenation.

6. Make him feel like you’re new again by occasionally purchasing and using theartificial hymen. If he’s squeamish about blood, you may want to do this only in the dark. Don’t forget to make the appropriate “first time” sounds.

7. Be sure to use the “skills” other men have taught you, taking special care not to mention where you might have learned them.

Joe the War Correspondent Won’t Be Going it Alone

Patrick Sauer •  see all posts in HUMOR 

"Hamas": You put that shit on bread, right?

In the proud tradition of carriage mechanic William Howard Russell, gas lamp repairman Stephen Crane, and pipe-fitter David Halberstam, Pajamas Media* is sending unlicensed plumber Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher to Gaza as a war correspondent. As the Pajama party notes, Joe the Plumber “shook up America” and “he’s ready to do it again.” Mr. Wurzelbacher has promised to bring back stories from “Average Joes” (assuming said Joes are named Shlomo and Isaac, and not Mohammad or Abdul).

Naturally, the liberal media is up in arms over Joe the Plumber’s ascension to the ranks of Ernest Hemingway, but Wurzelbacher doesn’t care. How much different could being in shit differ from being in the shit?

Besides, Joe’s got a secret journalism savior that even Edward R. Murrow himself couldn’t top. As the-Plumber-turned-the-Reporter told his fellow scoops, “Being a Christian, I’m pretty well protected by God, I believe.”

Take that, 5,000-year history of the Middle East!

Man Who Crossed US In Balloon Only Talks About Horse Abuse

from THE ONION • see all posts in HUMOR     
Today Now! welcomes adventurer and balloonist Trent Montague, who is determined to steer the conversation to the horrors of horse abuse.

Israel? Wrap it up, sweetie, we’re starting to get queasy

from 23/6 • see all posts in HUMOR    

The situation in Gaza became more grim yesterday as the Red Cross discovered starving Palestinian children clinging to their dead mothers’ bodies. The Red Cross complained that it had tried to get Israel to allow access to the area on Sunday, but wasn’t allowed in until Wednesday. A rep for the humanitarian group said, “The Israeli military must have been aware of the situation but did not assist the wounded. Neither did they make it possible for us or the Palestine Red Crescent to assist the wounded.”

Salon’s Glenn Greenwald wonders why both of America’s political parties are so strongly in Israel’s corner. Senators Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell drafted a non-binding resolution expressed their full support for Israel. The resolution is seen as “a bid to keep [Republicans] from ‘out-hawking‘ the Democrats on the issue.”

Last night, we polled 700,000 Americans and asked them, “what would it take for Israel to lose your support?” Here’s the results:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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New Year’s resolution – Citizen Justice #3

Citizen Justice • Operation Itch Video
see all Citizen Justice     see all posts in HUMOR

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Bush Apologizes: The Farewell Interview We Wish He’d Give

Matt Taibbi • Rolling Stone  
see all posts in HUMOR  

Despite a financial crisis for the ages, the catastrophic collapse of a Republican Party crippled by his political legacy, and the highest presidential disapproval rating in the history of American polling, outgoing commander in chief George W. Bush has not completely lost his sense of fun. When Rolling Stone caught up with him at the White House shortly after the holidays for what would turn out to be his final extended sit-down interview as president, the graying but still quite fit Texan had just finished his morning exercycle session in an eagle-emblazoned sweatsuit and was fiddling with a new toy.

“They call it a Wii, or a Mee, or something,” Bush tells me, smiling as he waves a wandlike plastic device in front of a 54-inch plasma TV in the Treaty Room, a large, brightly lit chamber on the second floor of the Executive Residence that traditionally functions as the president’s private study. The president is playing a friendly game of Major League Baseball — the Boston Red Sox against his cherished Texas Rangers — and a computer-rendered Daisuke Matsuzaka drills a hard slider right past him, down and in.

“Huh,” says the president. “Might have to choke up a little.”

Although now used as a game room, the Treaty Room still has a classic feel, with a century-old painting by Theobald Chartran depicting the signing of the peace treaty after the Spanish-American War, and a magnificent mahogany “treaty table” first used by Ulysses S. Grant. A bookshelf on the north wall displays standard-issue Americana such as Poor Richard’s Almanack, but it also contains former swimsuit model Kathy Ireland’s Powerful Inspirations: Eight Lessons That Will Change Your Life (“There’s a lot of good life stuff in there, a lot of stuff about patience,” the president says) and a well-worn copy of 101 Dumb Dog Deaths (“Makes me laugh every time, especially the one about cow-tipping”).

Matsuzaka delivers again, but the president looks fastball when the pitch is a change. “Damn it!” he shouts, bouncing the Wii wand off an antique globe in the corner. “Goddamn motherfucking shit!” After collecting himself, he takes a seat at his desk and leans back in his grand leather easy chair, stirring the ice cubes in a glass of Diet Coke with a finger.

So are we meeting up here because Michelle Obama is measuring the Oval Office windows for drapes?
[Laughs] No. I just like it up here. Plus, people tend to get nervous in the Oval Office. Figured I’d make it a little easier on you by doing this here.

While I was waiting, one of your staffers told me a crazy story about a certain member of your Cabinet breaking wind in the Oval Office. Can you confirm that story?
Well, like I said, people get nervous down there. It’s — [laughs] — I can’t believe someone told you about that.

But you’re leaving office in a couple of weeks. Come on. Throw us a bone. Just think, you finally get to talk about all of these things.
Look, I can’t. Besides, it wasn’t that big of a — OK, fine. It was Condi.

On January 20, everything will be illegal

from 23/6   see all posts in HUMOR  

Planning to go to Washington for the inauguration parade? Might as well just handcuff yourself and put yourself in jail, because security measures for the event are going to be the tightest ever for an inauguration. Among the prohibited items on the parade route: chairs, coolers, backpacks, umbrellas, strollers and aerosol cans (which means no Silly String or hairspray). Restrictions are being placed on posters, and the police presence will be in the thousands.

Still want to check it out? We’ve put together a map showing the parade route, along with some of the security checkpoints and hotspots. Memorize it, and leave the umbrellas at home.

KEY:

1. No pepper spray. Also, no pepper. Also, no Dr. Pepper. Also, no doctors allowed. We don’t need some fancy M.D. giving out unwanted diagnoses that might panic a crowd.

2. Satellite-jamming tower will block parade viewers from sending cell phone pictures of the event to their friends.

3. Because bicycles are prohibited from the parade route, a police cordon will be established around Chinatown to prevent restaurants from dispatching any delivery guys.

4. Pennsylvania residents will be barred from the parade route for fear that unbridled state pride regarding the name of the avenue will cause Pennsylvanians to riot.

5. Undercover Navy Seals dressed as civilians will infiltrate the crowd and subdue anyone who appears “fidgety.” Obviously, that is because they are nervous about their assassination attempt, and not because it’s 10 degrees out and there are no bathrooms.

6. Snipers perched on Superior Court building ordered to shoot and kill anyone holding a can of Silly String. WHO’S SILLY NOW, BUCKO?

7. All observers will be issued canaries as an early warning system in the event of toxic gas in the area.

8. Inauguration ceremony itself will occur in windowless, reinforced-steel room, without video cameras or other recording devices. President-elect will take oath from inside sealed, sterilized chamber surrounded by rottweilers.

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Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

From The Onion    see all posts in HUMOR    
The MacBook Wheel lets consumers accomplish everyday tasks like typing with just a few dozen spins and clicks of a wheel.

TOP STORIES OF 2009

The Hermit with Davis Fleetwood  
more posts from THE HERMIT
more in    more in NEWS & ANALYSIS
& check out the new regular column “NO, I CAN’T”

TAKE THE POLL BELOW THE VIDEO

5 January 2009-  While none of these stories have actually happened yet, we here at operation itch believe in the cyclical nature of history. That, combined with the uncanny instincts of our YT subscribers brings you this list- edited from the many submissions from my (not another) top 10 news stories of 2008 video.

I want to encourage you take a the poll (below the video) declaring which of the following stories will end up being a top story of 2009 & use the comments to defend your thinking. Vote as often as you like, use the “add” feature in the poll to add & vote on your own predictions  & check back throughout the year to see how we are doing.

So then, in no particular order, here are the headlines, created by my YouTube viewers, edited imperfectly by yours truly. – D

 

 

 

 

RECOVERED SCENES FROM THE TRAGEDY “PLAXICO” BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.

Shane Ryan/ McSweeneys   more posts in HUMOR    

 

RECOVERED SCENES FROM THE TRAGEDY “PLAXICO” BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.

Dramatis Personae.

First Tailgater, season-ticket holder

Second Tailgater, season-ticket holder

Chris Snee, Giants guard and son-in-law to Coach Coughlin

Eli Manning, quarterback

Antonio Pierce, linebacker

Plaxico Burress, receiver

– – – –

Act I, scene i.

New Jersey, early Sunday. A parking lot.

First Tailgater
Forsooth, I warrant favor shall be ours.

Second Tailgater
Dost thou doubt it? We are as giants clad.

First Tailgater
Yea, though titans, too, would claim the peak.

Second Tailgater
Fear not this clash: they are but elder gods,
And we, the wearers of the minted crown—
Usurpèd from the false patriot king—
Shall with vigor hold the vaunted title.

First Tailgater
Hold thy tongue and bring the eyes to bear—
Is’t not a man-o’-line approaches?

Second Tailgater
True to sight, honest friend, thou reckon’t well.

Enter CHRIS SNEE.

Snee
Good rev’lers all, valu’d be thy throats.
The hour is most early to be rous’d.

Second Tailgater
Offensive creature, be thee not offended;
For the rouse, we would fain keep stricter time,
But rousing potions note the hour not.
Beguiling in the morn as in the dark,
They lead the sun and night alike in sin.

Snee
Is’t a jest?

First Tailgater
Nay, sir, he speaks mean truth.
But ’tis wise you tether caution to thought,
For when arous’d, thou art, we know, a threat.

Snee
How now?

First Tailgater
Drape thy restful eyes, yet lie not abed,
Or fair Jersey should our gentle guard accuse.
The charge? Stabbing, though his sword be blunted.

Snee
Acquit thyself!

Second Tailgater
Fair; art thou not a Snee?

Snee
Aye.

Second Tailgater
E’en so, thy prick is mortal danger.

Snee
Devils, I am most wrongly us’d!

First Tailgater
Nay!
Wrongly is one us’d when thou art rous’d,
And doubly wrong’d, she who first is whetted.

Snee
She? What she?

Second Tailgater
None but the coach’s daughter.

Snee
O villain!

First Tailgater
Art thou not wedded to the very same?

Snee
Aye, though well I fear the thoughts ensuing.

First Tailgater
Let fear govern, for it withers thy weapon
And blocks thee from tumescent blitz
Upon the progeny of our dear coach.

Second Tailgater
Sheath thy snee, Snee; confine all grunting
To fields on which thy snee’s by scabbard cupp’d.

First Tailgater
Yet guard, right guard, that thy deprivèd love
Be not in fever by Antonio pierc’d,
Nor by Justin tuck’d, nor, save us, by Eli mann’d.

Snee
‘Sblood, I am for you! But, no, forbear—
I am just stay’d by thoughts of darkest tinge.
For though great vict’ry heralds each new week,
Still our team wants not for further scandal.
Enough, I am away;
Blessèd be, if scoundrels may.

Exit.

First Tailgater
These pregnant words do shade my mirth in black
And dull the sheen which graceth New York blue.

Second Tailgater
Let beggars fret—our repeat title’s fate.
Now let us hie. The Meadowlands await.

Tips for Muslims who like to travel by air

from 23/6       see all posts in HUMOR

Sorry Christians, you will still be forced to fly AirTran.
Nine members of an American Muslim family were removed from an AirTran flight on Thursday after comments made by two of the family members were misconstrued by other passengers. Kashif Irfan said his brother, Atif, and his brother’s wife wondered aloud about the safest place to sit on an airplane.  

“My brother said [something like], ‘Wow, the jets are right next to my window.’ I think they were remarking about safety.”

Well, there you go. Sounds like terrorism to me! Unfortunately, Muslims are probably going to have to deal with this stuff for years to come. On the bright side, it’s instances like these that help pay the mortgages of the Muslim comedians on the Axis of Evil tour. The Irfan family was reimbursed by AirTran, and later flown to their destination on USAirways. If you’ve ever flown AirTran, you know that, all in all, the Irfans came out on top.

Nevertheless, we have written a guide to help Muslims avoid these misunderstandings in the future:

Citizen Justice tackles the Winter Blues

Citizen Justice • Operation Itch Video contributor •

True SAD is a seriously disabling illness, preventing people from functioning normally. In addition, millions of others suffer from a milder version called “subsyndromal SAD” or “winter blues,” less disabling but still impairing and uncomfortable. There is a more rare form of summer SAD in which symptoms occur in the summer and remit in the winter. But fear not, CITIZEN JUSTICE TO THE RESCUE. 

Last minute gift ideas from Google ; iphone

The Public News Network • Operation Itch Video
more from TPNN see all posts in: HUMOR
With the world economy in decline and citizens all over the globe suffering under the weight of credit card debt that they cannot repay, Google and iphone have teamed up to create a new application, playfully named the Bush doctrine..

Area Woman Becomes Republican Vice Presidential Candidate

From THE ONION
WASILLA, AK—In a dramatic capper to a year that already saw her son’s hockey team go to district finals, a successful remodeling of the den, and her scoring of front-row tickets to a traveling production of the Broadway smash hit Les Misérables, Wasilla resident and former beauty queen Sarah Palin, 44, was chosen as the 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee. The mother of five, who enjoys attending church potluck dinners with husband Todd, an unemployed commercial fisherman, reportedly “jumped at the chance” to become the second most powerful person in the country. “Oh, what a nice thing for [GOP running mate] Sarah [Palin],” said Debbie McInnes, who met Palin two years ago at an advanced step aerobics class at the Wasilla YMCA. “She’s such a good person, and so pretty! I think she’d be super-enthusiastic to take on that job.” Although Palin ultimately never got the chance to come within a heartbeat of ruling a global superpower and its 300 million citizens, she said she was happy enough to have beaten out the other potential Republican VP candidates, including a Nebraska receptionist and a congresswoman from Ohio with more than 20 years of political experience.