Porno for Politics
by Dennis Trainor, Jr. (w/ video below)
Sarah Palin’s recent blunders under the cottony Courician spotlight have made her the punch line to so many jokes that Lorne Michaels is paying Tina Fey in gold bouillon cubes to keep the former head writer and weekend update host of SNL returning week after week.
That said, I’ve got a shocking prediction for you. Sarah Palin will win the debate against Joe Biden this Thursday night. Do not mistake my prediction for a wish. I wish that Lorne Michaels would hire me when Amy Poehler leaves the show for mommy land after the election. I mean, show of hands, how many of you would like to see me behind the SNL News-desk?
Thanks Mom.
But back to my thesis, for the numerologists and 9th grade English teachers in my audience, here are the three main reasons why Sara Palin will win Thursday, in what will be the most watched VP debate since the Commission on Presidential Debates started rigging elections in 1988:
One: Sarah Palin believes that dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time as humans. Now, if you think that is a strike against her take a look in the mirror and you will see one of two things. One: a cloistered urban intellectual who never leaves the cosy confines of the city preferring to remain surrounded by quote unquote culture, fine dining and cab drivers of dubious ethnic distinction. You are now or will one day be married to your former step daughter you Godless pervert or two; you attend or are employed by a college or university. Your Ivy shield may be real or metaphoric, but make no mistake- you are insulated from the real world. The rest of the country is cross referencing the daily news with the book of revelations and vacationing at the CREATION MUSEUM where God fearing families can take a “Walk through history” depicting humans interacting with Dinosaurs in a stunning design created by a former Universal Studios exhibit director, take in a lecture on how “the book of Genesis relevant in todays world” and have your children practice a the socially acceptable form of cannibalism know as the Eucharist.
The second thing going for Palin in this debate is the format. Trying to confine babbling Biden to 90 second answers and a two minute follow up is like asking someone to turn water into wine. It is just beyond reason. Even keeping Biden on message will be difficult. What will Biden say, for instance, when Gwen Iffil asks him to clarify his recent remarks that Hillary Clinton would have been a better Vice Presidential choice than he? All of America who gobbles up their politics from the left side of the table will look across the stage and agree with Joe Biden on this point. Backed into a corner, Biden is likely to come out swinging, flexing his intellectual superiority. Again, he is in a no win situation here, as that will come off as condescending, which brings me, sans an adequate transition sentence, to my third and final supporting point.
Three: Sarah Palin is George Bush with breasts. As I have said before, playing dumb while clinging to your bible and guns wins elections in this country. Ask Al Gore. Ask John Kerry.
Dress it all up in the porno librarian costume and you’ve got Karl Rove with a throbbing gristle. And when Rove- or one of his disciples- gets stiff, there is no bending, there is no breaking, only the rhythmic pounding of the democrats weaknesses until the money shot on election day.
Politics is porno.
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